Hi Malice,

I have a 2 part question: Why do all the movies in the theatre right now suck so badly? And secondly, what's a movie lover to rent to get me through this drought?

-A Film Fan

A: Dear Film Fan,

The timetable of major motion picture releases is  very specifically arranged in order to maximize revenue and box office numbers. Movies for teens and big action adventure hits are released in June/July in order to cash in on the "school's out for summer" phenomenon among kids and their parents. Holiday breaks such as Thanksgiving and Christmas are a popular time to roll out family fare, tearjerkers and grand scale  historical epics. Keep in mind that no studio is going to waste it's powerhouse opus (think Million Dollar Baby) 10 months before the Oscars. It is this system of marketing and audience profiling that turns February-May into a wasteland, devoid of inspiration and full to the brim with crap such as "House of Wax."

But all is not lost. As you mentioned, this time of year can be a great time to catch up on your movie rentals and put that unlimited Net Flix subscription to the test. Additionally, many indie film companies take advantage of the lack of competition to release some of their best prospects. Think Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind released March, 2004 and The Shape of Things from May, 2003. October is another popular time for movies such as these, because it falls in between the aforementioned summer and holiday seasons.

As for recommendations, you can start with the 2 indie films mentioned in the above paragraph. Already exhausted those options? Here are some rentals that, for my money, have "Titanic" and "Independence Day" beat:

I Heart Huckabees (2004) "Cruelty, Manipulation and Meaninglessness" come up against self exploration and acceptance in this modern classic from David O. Russell. Even if the philosophy doesn't inspire, the brilliant comedic performances of Lily Tomlin and Marky Mark are not to be missed!

Noises Off! (1992) Showcasing beloved dead guys Christopher Reeve and John Ritter, Noise's Off features a  clever script inspired by quirky British theatre but tempered with an American slap stick element. This ensemble makes use of a variety of cool, underused actors such as Carol Burnett, Marilu Henner and Mark Linn-Baker (Balki's straight-laced cousin from TV's "Perfect Strangers"). If you're interested in laughing your ass off, check this one out.

The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou (2004) New to video this week, The Life Aquatic is the most under appreciated movie from last year. Die hard fans of Wes Anderson did us all a disservice by taking themselves and this film entirely too seriously. Suggesting that the story of Steve Zissou, an over-the-hill caricature of Jacques Cousteau, is an autobiographical exploration of Anderson's own career, is an unfair oversimplification. Suspend your disbelief and dive into this fairy tale a-sea.

My picks all have to do with the many possibilities of our society gone wrong.

Nineteen Eighty-Four (1984) Based on the George Orwell book, the movie is a great version of the novel and it brings a chill to my spine to think that one day we will probably reach this level of de-humanization.

Terry Gilliam's Brazil (1985) How can we reach our dreams under all this bureaucracy and paperwork? The answer is we can't, we are doomed. And the downward spiral of realization has never been more fun and crazy.

 Mike Nichols, Catch-22 (1970) Based on the book by Joseph Heller, this funny WW2 epic demonstrates how the military is a business; plain and simple. It's interest is not justice, but the appearance of competence. Dropping bombs on the enemy has never been so complicated and Capt. Yossarian is gonna have one hell of a time getting out of it.

All 3 of the main characters in the movies above seriously question the world we live in and reach some very real conclusions. People who think movies are just entertainment should check these picks out and see how deep the rabbit hole really is.

Q: Dear Malice,

What does "420" mean? I always thought it referred to the time of day that stoners "toke up" but at work the other day, one of our runners was saying something about 4/20 (as in April 20th) being the international pot smoker's holiday. Can you shed any light?

-Non-Smoker and Proud Of It

A: Dear Non,

There is much hearsay behind the definition and origin of "420", but both you and your cannabis smoking compatriot are on the right track. Let's review a few of the different schools of thought on the subject: Some people claim that 420 is police radio code for pot smoking in progress, others say that it's the number of chemical compounds that make up Mary Jane and still others insist that if you're arrested for smoking the ganj, you'll be in violation of penal code 420. However, all these theories have been proven false by people with way too much time on their hands. After all, one would have to be really stoned to enjoy research that involved checking the penal code of every state in the union...

Your co-worker is correct in mentioning 420's current incarnation as an international cult celebration of Marijuana smokers and their underground lifestyles. Still, you're extremely savvy for a non-smoker and your guess is closer yet.  The commonly accepted explanation is that 4:20 was the time of day designated as the pot smoking hour by a group of delinquents who attended high school in San Rafael, CA in the early 1970's. These so-called originators of 420 have decided to milk their notoriety for all its worth by giving themselves a pseudonym, "The Waldos" and teaming with "High Times" Magazine, the unquestioned authority on America's tendency towards reefer madness.

At 420.com (sponsored by High Times), readers can find out what cities will celebrate 4:20 PM next (as I'm writing this, the answer is: Aklavik, Helena, Boise and El Paso). You can also read up on how to grow your own stash and check out a calendar of events including the Million Marijuana March taking place this year on May 7.

420 is also the name of an international double-handed boat for young sailors. April 20th marks the birth of both Adolph Hitler and Carmen Electra and will live in infamy as the anniversary of the Columbine shootings.

For more information, consult your dealer.

Q: Dear Malice,

I am a big fan of roller coasters. My buddies and I are getting ready to take a trip and I was wondering if you could tell me: What is the best roller coaster in the Western Hemisphere?

Thanks,

Johnny

A: Dear Johnny,

According to a press release issued today, Worlds of Fun amusement park in Kansas City, Missouri has just announced plans to expend $14 million on their new Patriot rollercoaster. This interesting tidbit comes from the Roller Coaster Database, which has compiled information and statistics on 1800 roller coasters throughout the world.

Many websites rate, review and compare roller coasters including CoasterGrotto and Roller Coaster World. But before you get any further, it is important that you define your criteria as to what you're looking for. Do you prefer wooden coasters or steel? Cutting-edge modern coasters, or those with a touch of history? Do you crave the speed, or is a good vertical drop more what you're after? Are you aware that there are over 100 roller coaster manufacturers and designers in the world? For the history and origins of the ride, check out Encyclopedia Britannica's "Inventing The Scream Machine" site,
 
In order to define your coaster personality, consider visiting the Cedar Point Amusement Park in Sandusky, OH, which bills itself as the "roller coaster capital of the world". Their crown jewel attraction, The Millennium Force giga-coaster, cost $25 million to build and won ten World Records in it's first year of operation, including tallest and fastest in North America and first coaster to utilize an elevator lift system. Considering that the Millenium Force is only one of 16 "scream machines" on the property, they may be justified in their bravado.


Happy Riding!

Q: Dear Malice,

Long time reader, first time writer. I read on a fansite that you watch American Idol religiously... me too! I also saw in your Q&A in Wired where you said that you typically write your column at night, after your favorite primetime TV shows. Factoring in these 2 pieces of information, I am writing to ask for your help in deciding who to vote for on American Idol tonight? I hate Rogers & Hammerstein type stuff, so I'm really having trouble picking my favorite from tonight. I'd also love to hear your insights on who the top contestants will be this season.

Your Biggest Fan,

Cara P.

PS- I hope your website will soon be offering autographs for sale.

Dear Cara,

So nice to hear from a fan. I agree with you about the musicals theme sucking tonight on Idol. If they were going to have such a bland theme, it was really up to the contestants to make the songs interesting, upbeat and perhaps a bit more modern. Nadia, the last performer, is my pick for best performance. I enjoyed her because although she sang a show tune, she performed it in a sultry R&B style.

For the long term, Carrie Underwood is an obvious choice to win. She's cute, humble, talented and favored by at least 2 of the judges. Bo's natural talent and alternative image will take him to at least the top 4. Anwar, who makes me cringe, will probably also make it to the end of the competition, unless America gets wise to the fact that he's the goofiest looking person ever. Beyond those three, the rest of the contestants are disposable, it's just a matter of when.

A note to the public: As much as I love answering questions about American Idol and tootsie roll pops, I implore the public to send me more of your deep, complex, soul searching, even life changing questions. As always, if you make it to the site you will win some cool promotional swag.

Q: Dear Malice, 

Please advise me: How many licks DOES it take to get to the center of a tootsie roll tootsie pop???

When I first read this question, I got the brilliant idea to hold a focus group and do some first hand research on the subject. My boyfriend was kind enough to point out that the three people who would actually show up do not a focus group make. Luckily, there is a plethora of information and research already available on the subject.

According to tootsie.com, there have been at least 3 scientific studies completed on the subject. Results varied as did method, and the number of licks was recorded at as low as 144 and as high as 411. Since the 1970 debut of the "How Many Licks?" commercial, Tootsie Roll Industries has received close to 50,000 letters from children in response to that infamous question and sends a "Clean Stick Award" to each one. The average reported number is between 600-800 licks. According to the Tootsie FAQs,  there can never be a definitive answer because it depends on factors such as mouth size, amount and potency of saliva, etc.

If you should choose to undertake the Tootsie Roll pop challenge, thankfully there is finally a machine out there that will count the licks for you! The Tootsie Pop Lick-o-meter retails for $5.99. It is a plastic apparatus that doubles as a keychain and reports number of licks on an LCD screen. The product is available from Funantics Toys and includes your first Tootsie Roll pop for free!

Q: I feel that Jon Stewart has clearly "jumped the shark" on the Daily Show, but I love Stephen Colbert and some of the other correspondent's skits aren't too bad. How would you suggest I engineer a coup to get him transferred to CBS News or some other fake news show so I don't have to watch him anymore?

A: I agree with you about this. Originally, Jon Stewart would turn his shrewd eye on every topic under the sun. These days, he seems to have turned in to a one trick pony, constantly criticizing the media and at the top of that list, his own show. I would like to hope that the writers of the show are funny enough that the content would survive your proposed coup, but I don't see any of the correspondents as strong enough to take the lead anchor role. Perhaps when Steven Carell's new show "The Office" fails... and it will definitely fail... he could come back and the 2 Stephens could tag-team it.

Not only am I annoyed that the show has become so gimicky and trite, but I am also incredibly sick of Jon Stewart actively pursuing the elusive 20-something audience by making marijuana references ad nauseam. I don't believe that that man has ever smoked and don't appreciate being pandered to.

The best suggestion I can make to you, is to vote against Jon Stewart by enslaving a college-aged street team to voice an opinion against the show in the form of weblogs, podcasts and witty bulk e-mails. If you are over the age of 30, no one cares what you think about the show, because it's not meant for you. But if a wave of criticism comes in from the demographic that the advertisers seek, you have a good chance of having your opinions heard. Remember when Craig Kilborn hosted The Daily Show? Neither do I...

Q: I have a couple of dear friends who are now divorced and have just been through a harrowing experience. All three of their children were kidnapped and although two were found, the oldest son appears to be dead. They, of course, are heartbroken. I truly believe that this may be the work of the birth father of the oldest son. But the problem is, the father is dead. But I am suspicious of how he died... and I want to share my theory with the grieving parents but I am afraid they will think I am crazy. Do you think I should tell them that I believe this tragedy is the work of the boys father and that although his body was identified and buried, I believe he is very much alive?

Please great Malice... tell me what to do!

Signed,

Mrs. Kravitz of  Port Charles

Dear Mrs. Kravitz,

Keep your mouth shut! Your friends are grieving from an incomprehensible loss right now. In fact, I suspect that they would give anything to have some glimmer of hope that their child survived and is out there somewhere. All you would do by telling them your theory would be to encourage them to hold on to an impossible hope, rather than grieve and move on.

To be honest, Mrs. Kravitz, I'm a bit more concerned about you than about your friends with a dead child. As  a fan of General Hospital, I recognize the above scenario as the most recent storyline involving Sonny and Carly Corinthos. The delusion that television characters are actually your friends is surprisingly common. In fact, Brooke Shields guest starred on "Friends" as one such stalker who actually believed that Joey's soap opera character "Dr. Drake Remore" was her lover.

I'm sure that being able to visit your old friends in Port Charles brings you a lot of joy and comfort, as well as a healthy daily dose of drama. But if you find this confusion between reality and TV-fantasy cropping up and impacting your daily life, it may be time to visit your friendly neighborhood shrink. But beware, in Port Charles there are criminal elements who will pose as psychiatrists just to break a crazy women out of jail, so steer clear of them!

Q: I have some downtime at work and I'm bored stiff. Any suggestions on cool websites to go to for mindless entertainment? (Besides GoAskMalice)

Sincerely,
Finance is Boring

A: It's hard to give suggestions since there are so many sites, and people's ideas of fun can vary, but here are some sites I visit when I have a few hours to kill online...

Craigslist.org- With most websites you have to wait days, weeks or months for the webmaster to add new material, but at craigslist, every user is able to self-publish their post, thus allowing a virtually endless stream of reading material. My favorite sections include: General Community, Free (you can't believe what some people are giving away!), Part-Time and Etc. Jobs, and apartments.

Drudge Report - Many take issue with Matt Drudge's muck raking tactics, but I personally enjoy the site. I especially like all the wacky news stories such as the one about the orange cat that survived a 3 week journey from China to Florida in a crate containing construction materials.

Tickle - I first visited this site for the classic IQ test which is fun to take with people who are dumber than you. I came for the IQ test but I stayed for the many other quizzes that answer important questions such as: "Why Are You Still Single?", "What's Your E-mail Personality?" and "Who's Your OC Crush?".

PageSix - Gossip, gossip, gossip... the original and best gossip page out there.

DailyCandy.com - Daily updates sent to your e-mail on what's fabulous in LA, NY, Chicago, SF, Boston, Dallas and coming soon... London.

UPDATE: Apparently I don't know the first thing about good websites. Thanks to GoAskMalice readers Krista K. and Carla S. for sending in their favorite "bored at work" sites.

The Superficial - A brutally honest look at society and its obsession with the superficial. It is not satire. It is not social commentary. It is the voice of our society at its worst. It is first impressions without sense of social obligation. It is the truth of our generation. It is ugly racism. It is jealousy. It is honest.

Snopes - Rumor has it... an urban legends reference page.

Luxist - a blog dedicated to the obsessive coverage of luxury products.

Q: What do you do when your trusted confidante and would-be business partner steals your idea and does it without you?!?! I thought I was the ann landers to your dear abbey... I see I need to reevaluate our friendship. I would hope that I would AT LEAST get a fucking free pen for all the hassle and heartache.
-Betrayed in Belize

A: Dear Betrayed in Belize,

Are you familiar with the phrase, "you snooze, you lose."? While you've been sunning it up in Belize, I have been here setting up a website, ordering pens and brainstorming all by myself. I didn't ask you to take me with you to your South American paradise, so why should you be allowed to ride my coattails to success?

That being said, all of our future endeavors are not cancelled. I am still in on the magazine and I think that this site is just a stepping stone. Step 1: build a site, gain a rep, create some buzz. Step 2: take my unique brand of dealing with people into the broadcast arena with my own "Loveline" meets Fraiser Crane radio show. Step 3: become very rich and famous so that I not only have time to travel to Belize but also have a variety of 5 star resorts dying to comp me. Step 4: turn my newfound fame and popularity into a media empire (a la: Oprah or Martha Stewart), complete with a magazine (which you can edit).

Since I have choosen your question as the first to appear on the site, you will, in fact, receive a "fucking" free pen. Please allow 4-6 weeks for delivery.

Q: How do I get my hands on one of those free "fucking" pens?
-bic-less in brooklyn

A: Congratulations! Just for writing a question that is published on the site, you've won a pen! In the future there will be more contests to win a variety of GoAskMalice merchandise. If you don't have a question and choose not to participate in the contests, the only way to get a pen will be to grovel.

Q: What is the best way to eat a Reeses?
-Suzanne

A: Pop out the round middle part, eat it, then eat the ridges.

Q: Do Jewish vampires avoid crosses or Stars of David?

A:  There's no such thing as Vampires.

Q: Can a person with no ears wear glasses?
Love, The Earless Lady

A: Dear Earless,

Yes, sure. An earless person can do most things an eared person can do with the exception of hearing. According to totallyabsurd.com, a website that features odd products which have been issued patents, earless eyewear has been invented. The apparatus works through the use of magnets. A pair of self-adhesive magnets are stuck to your temples which attract the magnets build into the glasses. For more information contact the US Patent Office and reference Patent #: 5,719,656. Maybe if the patent holder hasn't been able to make a go of it, you can purchase the idea for cheap and make a fortune marketing the glasses to your earless peers.