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Q: Oh no, A Rat! Well actually it's a mouse...that lives under our sink in the kitchen.  First of all let me say that I'm so glad it's the kitchen and not the bathroom. Next let me point out that while this household does not wish to cohabitate with this mouse or any other, it is tiny and cute and we love mice.

But, we have to make it go away.  We will not use glue traps and are very...VERY reluctant to use any devices or substances for killing.  If the problem got out of hand it's a measure we would consider taking, but it's a last resort to kill this mousy.  I'm actually writing to get some advice on the sonar plug-in device. Apparently it emits a high frequency something that we can't hear but other species can.  Heard of it?  Any thoughts or other suggestions??

Thanks Mal!
Your pals,
C, N and Mousy

A: I agree with your hesitancy to use toxic or lethal methods to remove your household pest. Even those who don't like mice often prefer to dispose of them in a humane manner, thus assuring no harm will come to the official, or unofficial tenants of the household.

I looked into the sonar device you refer to. It seems to me that the devices available for pest control are pricey and have a flashy "as seen on tv" appeal, which often means the product isn't worth the 4 installments of $19.95. Before spending money on fancy gadgets, I would recommend trying a traditional mouse trapping or deterring technique.

In researching your question, I came across as website called The Dollar Stretcher which allows money-saving cyberspace denizens to share their budget savvy techniques on a variety of topics. One such topic just happens to be Humane Mouse Removal. Try a few of the below suggestions and let us know what works for you.

The first three suggestions consist of 1) getting a cat, 2) purchasing some mouse predator urine and 3) instead of getting a cat, borrowing some used kitty litter from a friend in order to intimidate your rodent guest. I am guessing that since you don't want the mess the mouse is bringing, adding even more animal waste would not be a good option for you. In any case, it seems that most of these strategies were employed on mice living in the garage or basement, not underneath the kitchen sink.

The next tip is to use cayenne pepper, a smell that mice apparently loathe around the afflicted area. Don't forget to apply liberally near any possible points of entry. Similarly, mice also hate the scent of peppermint extract. Therefore, visit your local aromatherapist, or perhaps just a natural foods store and purchase pure peppermint extract. Sprinkle the extract wherever your pest tends to play and repeat on a monthly basis.

A final non-lethal, but perhaps a little more hands-on remedy would be to build your own mouse trap. DollarStretcher.com reader Rebecca offers her experience of placing cheese or peanut butter in the bottom of a 5 gallon bucket and then building a ramp that would allow the mouse to get to the buckets' edge. Once inside, mousy will be unable to climb up the smooth surface and you can then release him outside. Don't forget to plug up any holes or cracks he might have entered through (try steel wool, as mice are unable to chew through it), or else you may find yourself repeating the same process again.

Dear Malice,

My fiancee and I have been together for six years and we have two children. We
both know each other's families well. We will be getting married this July in Jamaica. It will be a ceremony involving just the two of us. We are financially incapable of having a reception upon return. My parents provided us with half of the money for our wedding moon and his parents provided us with the other half. They feel that we need the break, as we are young and
raising two children. They are happy with our decision. We would like to make extended family and friends aware of our decision to marry in a private ceremony. We want them to know our thoughts are with them and we wish for their blessing. How could I word this and is it tacky to send out wedding announcements for a private ceremony? Thank you so much for your time and any help you can offer.  

Sincerely,

Kelly Albrecht and April Butler

Dear K + A,

Just as every couple's relationship is different, I feel that every pairing of humans should have the right to celebrate, commemorate and officialize their union in the way most befitting their budget and interests. As the parents of two children, it sounds like what you need most of all is a vacation.

The fine line you walk here is how to notify your friends and loved ones without looking like you're soliciting cash and gifts. It is obvious from your submission that this is not your aim, however, that is the stigma tied up with wedding announcements, birth annoucements, graduation announcements, etc.

The best way to circumvent the issue would be to go, say your vows, enjoy your vacation and take lots of photos. Upon your return, select your favorite snapshot of the ceremony and share it in a newsletter to all your friends and family. By telling them after the fact, no one will begrudge you your wedded bliss and the uninvited masses will feel that they've shared in your special day by receiving your note and keepsake photograph.

Q: Help!

In June of 2000, I adopted two 8 week old kittens from a trailer in Trumansburg, NY. My little brother and sister pair, let's call them Tangerine and Charcoal, have brought me much joy throughout the past five and a half years. While at first they were both pampered indoor kitties, Tangerine (the male)  developed a desire to explore the great outdoors, and after a while managed to convince me to allow an indoor-outdoor arrangement for him, while sister Charcoal remains primarily inside.

We live in a neighborhood that has few cars and respectful neighbors, so for the most part cats are safe. However, there are many tough and surly cats in the area and over time, Tangerine has ticked them off and become a punching bag for these local bullies. A year ago, he took a bite to his back leg that caused an abscess and required minor surgery. $1000 in Veterinarian bills later, he was as good as new. Last month, I noticed a bald spot had appeared on Tangerine's back and upon visiting the Vet discovered that the cause was another cat on cat altercation and this time the trauma to Tangerine's small body had almost caused his cells to turn precancerous. Upon hearing this, I knew a decision had to be made.

For the past month, I have kept Tangerine inside the house exclusively. As a result, he has been making my life miserable by crying and howling, day and night, climbing the walls and peeing in the house (not because he has to go, only because he wants to rebel). I asked the vet if there was anything to be done, but he compared what my cat is going through to the withdrawals experience by a heroin addict trying to kick the habit. I know that Tangerine desperately wants to be allowed his freedom, but I also know that I can't put myself through the worrying and expense associated with him coming home injured.

So do I cut my losses and allow him the life that will make him happiest, even if it reduces his lifespan? Or do I try to help him beat this addiction in an attempt to reclaim the obedient kitten I once knew?

Any advice is appreciated!!

Malice

A: Got an answer? I sure don't!

Send your suggestions to me. I will publish all responses in this space.

A: Dear Malice -
 
What a predicament.   I can't imagine letting my two dogs out only to wander the streets of Los Angeles in the hope that they return every night.  So I can't imagine what you are going through.  My advice is to have him stay inside awhile longer to "kick" his addiction.  Then slowly take him for walks at night (it can even be on a leash).  Have him slowwllly get reacquainted with the outdoors.  If you feel at some point that he is ready to venture off on his own, then let him.  But, what do they sayif you love something, set it free, if it doesn't come back then it was never meant to be?  As painful as it might be, if he does not come back or if he comes back harmed, that is a risk that you and Tangerine will take together.  
 
Sincerely,
 
George & Maggie's Mom

A: You would be wise to keep your cats as indoor only cats! As for Tangerine's annoying behavior, you'll be happy to know that it won't last.  In the mean time, here are a few things you can do to make the inside world more interesting.  Make sure he's got a cat tree or something of his own to climb.  Get some interesting cat toys that allow him to run around a bit, preferably something that you participate in as well.  The fishing pole-type toys with a feather or some such thing on the end are great fun and cats will run themselves ragged chasing after it!

Also keep in mind that he's not trying to piss you off, he's just anxious and upset and trying to adjust to a new situation.  I've never had a cat who didn't get used to being inside and I've had dozens of cats over the years!

Finally, there is something you can do that will really help a lot and your Tangerine will be thrilled.  Make or buy an outside enclosure for him.  There are many different ways you can do this but the easiest thing to do is just Google "cat enclosures" and find what works for you.  It doesn't have to cost a lot and you can probably find something that fits where you live.  Years ago I rescued a couple of cats whose owner died.  They had been outside only guys but were very elderly and I didn't want them to get hurt if they continued to be outside.  So, I bought a pre-fab cat enclosure, attached it to my garage and then put a cat door between the garage and the enclosure with a smaller cage inside the garage so they could be out of the weather.  In your case, this kind of arrangement should be even easier since Tangerine goes in the house.  There are tons of great ideas out there that will allow dear Tangerine to get plenty of outside air and sun and movement but you will no longer have to worry about his health and safety!

Good luck and please let me know if there's anything else I can help you with!

Cheers,
Dee

A: Since this is your problem I would imagine that you don't have a solution!  But I do think that you pretty much know what needs to be done.  While Or...I mean, "Tangerine" wants to be outside, he doesn't go out and earn the money for his doctor's bills!  You are the mommy and you decide.  When he goes outside, does he run off or stay close?  If you let him out just for an hour or so at a time, you might be able to keep a closer watch.  Another option, though bourgeois as it sounds, is to put him on a long leash.  That way, you can always know exactly how far he can really go.

It seems you have to do something that may not make him as happy a kitty as he once was.  Sounds like you will just have to do something you may not want to.  But it could save his life...and your bank account.

-C.S.

*Updated with additional advice from a GoAskMalice reader

Q: Dear Malice:

Among the many emotional and mental problems that I normally have, lately I've lost all of my sexual drive.

I'll explain, I been living with my live-in girlfriend for a few years now and our sex life has pretty much disappeared, as of late, it's been mostly due to me.

I still love my girlfriend, and I do not desire anyone else, my problem is a bit more frightening because I've lost interest in sex all together. I was never a very sexual person to begin with, but now it has reached a new "low".

My girlfriend has given me plenty of ultimatums to shape up or ship out, but the more she threatens and complains the less I feel like having sex with her, nagging being one of the least sexy qualities in a person.

The few times that I've be able to, it's been the most embarrassing and most un-fufilling sexual experiences of mankind, lasting about 3 seconds and ending in total disappointment for both of us, and this makes me have sex even less.

I really don't know what comes next, break up probably (right?).

And that hurts me, because I really love this girl, and the problem keeps on growing the more sexless days go by and it becomes like the elephant in the room.

My question is basically this, what's worse having really bad sex or having no sex at all?

Sincerely,

-Fucked

A: Dear F-ed,

Don't ask me, ask your girlfriend. And don't be surprised if she's not thrilled with her choices.

I wish I could cheer you up, although the reassurance would most likely be fleeting, by saying that there was a time or place (think the 1950's) when this frigidity or performance anxiety or whatever it is that you're suffering from would have been more accepted. And it is true to a certain point, that when sexuality was discussed less and considered more taboo, your girlfriend might not have been aware that her sex life was lacking. However, this is the 21st century and the fact is, the instinctive biological basis for sexual intercourse between a couple has always been present in humans.

You mention your girlfriend's nagging as unappealing  and  talk of the problem getting worse everyday. I would caution you not to blame the victim in this case, and her many ultimatums indicate that she may be reaching the end of her rope. Rather than letting the elephant take over and suffocate you both, I would suggest including her in the search for a solution and taking the first steps on your own to prove that you are making an effort.

But enough editorializing, as knowledge is power, I will provide you with some facts. Very few men suffer from a diminished sex drive, while it is far more prevalent in women. In the majority of cases, a woman who seems uninterested in sex is likely caught up in deeply ingrained social restrictions, her own personal fears and anxieties on sex as well as a lack of a biological drive. Similarly, with men, the cause of a diminshed sex drive can be physical, psychological or a combination of the two. I will provide you with a laundry list of possible causes below, but the bottom line is that you cannot go it alone if you have any hope of recovery and will most likely need to consult a medical doctor, along with a therapist in order to get yourself back into working order.

Possible physical causes:

- Alcoholism or drug abuse.
- Hyperprolactinaemima: an over active pituitary gland produces too much Prolactin, a hormone which stimulates breast milk production in women, it's complete purpose in the male body hasn't been discovered.
- Obesity
- Certain prescription pills, consult your doctor
- Low testosterone levels
- An undiagnosed medical issue, such as diabetes

Possible psychological causes:

- Depression
- Stress, usually caused by overwork, finacial problems, etc.
- Sexual hang-ups, such as performance anxiety, inexperience  and fear over sexual ability.
- Unexplored or "closeted" homosexuality.
- Relationship problems (overt or unexplored) with the abovementioned girlfriend.

Important Note: Male lack of sex drive is a different condition than erectile dysfuction. The two are often confused and lumped into one problem, but have individual causes and cures.

Bonus Advice by a GoAskMalice reader

I don't think that it's fair to blame this situation entirely on yourself.  It takes two people to be in a relationship and two people to have sex (well, usually).  If you have a problem, and all your partner is coming at you with is threats and ultimatums, you have to look at why.  Are you denying the problem?  Will you refuse to talk openly about it?  If however you go to your partner and say, "I have a problem that I need to talk to you about"...and her response is something like, "It's your problem not mine so deal with it or leave", then you know where part of the problem is coming from.  Sex is a very confusing thing sometimes and weird feelings crop up from nowhere.  If you have a partner willing to listen and accept you, sometimes that melts the problems away completely.  Try to explain to her that her approach to "helping you" isn't working, that you want to be with her and that you need her to get through this together.  Some women can't deal with vulnerable men...but that doesn't mean it's not okay for you to be vulnerable.  These are the situations that push relationships either in the right direction, or the wrong.  

Remember though that rejection is rejection whether it's coming from a man or a woman.  She probably feels that rather than having a problem yourself, you are rejecting her.  And you have to do a little bit of work to make her still feel wanted in the relationship.  As our prolific Malice said, men are usually the ones with the sex drive and therefore are usually the ones being rejected.  You can get through this but not alone.  If you try to work this out with her and she still has nothing to offer but threats, you may have to work it out with someone else.

-GoAskMalice Reader, C.S.

Dear Malice,

Last night at an important social event, an inebriated high-ranking
local law enforcement official took a grab at my arse. I was standing
right next to my boyfriend when it occurred. He didn't notice, but I
told him when we got home.

This official has made other advances towards me under similar
circumstances. In fact, other men seem compelled to touch me when they
are talking to me. I just don't know how to respond, besides trying to
duck out of the way. A male counselor I saw when I was a young teen,
used to touch me innappropriately and I felt powerless to respond then
too. Now I'm 43 now and I need to know what is the best way to handle
this sort of unwelcomed attention?

I'm sorry that your recent run-in with the "law" has reminded you of feelings of powerlessness you experienced as a teen. That experience obviously had an impact on how you deal with men in a perceived position of power. While I can give you advice on how to handle the current situation, I feel that both are related and it may be important to revisit the origins of the problem. The best way to do that, of course, is to talk things through with a therapist, preferably female, who can help you to probe the depths and causes of these feelings.

In the meantime, I assure you that no one deserves to be grabbed and groped in public. Unfortunately, you may want to be careful when tangling with law enforcement, as these men's egos are often out of control from the powerful and dangerous career they have chosen. I would hate to see you harassed over a broken taillight, or garner a noise violation during your next dinner party, just because you have decided to take a stand.

The best way to guarantee that you won't receive unfair treatment, would be to draw everyone's attention to the inappropriate advances, in a joking manner. Make sure all of his colleagues are listening when you loudly exclaim: "I'm sure this type of behavior goes over well in the locker room, jailhouse, paddy wagon, even the Policeman's Ball, but it is really not appropriate in this type of social situation." Perhaps by making his actions, rather than himself, the butt of the joke, you can shake off the advances while still keeping his ego intact. And even if he does resent you standing up for yourself, you'll have a room full of witnesses who can corroborate the vendetta and therefore he might be less likely to harass you over petty crimes.

Dear Malice,

I am wondering: do I need to hire an accountant to do my taxes, or can I figure them out myself?

-Young and Not-So Successful

Dear not so,

Filing income taxes can be a daunting prospect, especially for a first timer. Honestly, a lot depends on your status: married or single, payroll employee or contract worker, are you itemizing deductions or just filing for a refund of tax withheld from your paycheck?

It sounds like you've started thinking about this early, which is good. After the January 31 tax deadline, you will receive paperwork from your employer indicating how much you earned and how much tax was withheld and paid on your behalf. After those documents come through, why not download IRS form 1040 and attempt to fill it out? If you do this in a timely manner, you will have plenty of time to ask a parent or more experienced tax paying relative to look it over. If you are still nervous, or are having trouble figuring out the form or your tax liability, by all mean hire a professional to look it over. An H&R Block preparer can be an inexpensive alternative, provided that your tax situation is not too complicated. If you pre-fill forms this year and get the thumbs up from a professional, then maybe you can try flying solo next year.

A few things to remember: As your financial situation changes, taxes can become more complicated. Also, your tax liability may be to more than just the Federal Government, so be sure to read up on your local and state tax laws. Even if you do not owe taxes or are not entitled to a refund, you are still required to file your tax forms.

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Q: Dear Malice,

Help! After years of being a chronic nail biter, I finally made the decision to get fake nails. But I was floored by how many options my local nail salon has to offer. Acrylics, Gels, Silk tips, wraps, french, glitter...

Today when the little asian man asked me what I wanted to have done, I was so overwhelmed and embarassed I just walked right out! Can you give me the rundown of what these many options mean to me?

A: Well, it's official. No one can say that this site doesn't offer advice on pretty much every topic under the sun. Since it's inception in February of 2005, GoAskMalice.com has helped readers with quandries ranging from the mundane (how much seltzer water is too much?) to the dramatic (my husband is an abusive scientologist and I want to leave him--help!) to the absurd (can an earless person wear glasses?) To my readers, all I can say is: keep 'em coming. And while I fear that I will alienate a large portion of my audience, my comments on which fake nails are the best for you can be found below.

The process of getting artificial nails consists of having a material (acrylic, gel, silk, fiberglass, etc.) applied over your natural nails to give them added strength and a uniform appearance. Typically, a manicurist would apply the nails, and then perform maintenance, also known as a "fill" every 2-4 weeks. This would help to keep your nails looking their best, and also prevent your natural nails from growing out and showing beneath the fakes.

Acrylic nails are the toughest and longest lasting type of fake nails. However, they can also look fake and cause extensive damage to your nail plate. If you do a lot with your hands, acrylic nails are a good choice because they can take a lot of abuse, and the vast majority of nail shops deal in acrylic, so it will never be hard for you to get your nails repaired, touched-up or removed.

Silk wraps are pieces of silk or fabric which are glued on top of your nails and often used to strengthen the tip. The wraps are perfect for people who want to grow out their natural nails, but need protection from breakage while their nail bed strengthens. Silk is natural looking, comfortable for the wearer and flexible, but can be too delicate for an active lifestyle.

Gel nails are made of mylar (super-strength polyester film), and are sculpted to your nails and then cured under a UV light. Gels require less frequent fills and can appear more natural than acrylics, but are not recommended for someone with a typing-intensive career, as repeated and frequent pressure to the tips can cause the nails to crack, break or pop-off.

Fake looking fakes are considered trashy in most circles, however, nail technology is constantly evolving to make fake nails look more natural. If you insist on faking it, ask your coworkers or friends what type they prefer. Don't know anyone with fakes? Then why not ask a stranger who's nails you admire what kind they are and where she gets them done. If you are a fake nail newbie, consider visiting a higher end nail salon for the initial application and then you can go to a less expensive nail shop for your fills.

Did this advice change your life? Ruin it? Never got your promised pens? Send any and all feedback to: testimonials@goaskmalice.com.